2197/04/22

We hid in the only place we felt safe. All of our default locations that we would cycle through are either no longer accessible, or are covered by officials and or spies, since they knew the locations were being used for unacceptable acts against resident regulations. A few of the locations were simply destroyed. We had a total of 37 locations, now just one. This location was a cave off the coast of what used to be Alaska, United States. Since this general zone is uninhabited, officials rarely visit here. It took us a few weeks to charter a jet to here, most of them wouldn’t allow resident travel, only cargo and official if needed. Most caves have been closed or demolished, but this exact cave (Cave of Entity) happened to be protected by a few organizations, one historical related, and one religion based. Organizations no longer have the ability to protect anything, or anyone. I’m not sure, but I believe the two that were protecting this cave are no longer active. 

When he arrived I instantly knew he wasn’t pure, his eyes were glossy, and he was quite calm. Too calm and quiet. Resident regulations require us to consume 200MG of Trisimflocrophetamine, which is issued by the officials. It makes residents very easy to control, manipulate, push around with ease. People are too relaxed mentally and physically to fight back, or even think about accomplishing anything besides mundane tasks. I hate that he sometimes visits me in this condition, I feel like I’m speaking someone that is artificial.

Our time together is usually magical, full of senses we rarely ever get to experience. This was full of empty moments, nothing but oxygen that wasn’t approved to breathe by modern air quality standards. At one point my left arm, which is mechanical started to malfunction for the first time since I’ve had it. I wasn’t even able to hug him properly. This was our last time together.

What’s that noise? 

just me.

I’ve been having a lot of headaches recently

that’s because you have loose wires in your head

Why does my heart tend to explode often?

you’re lost, incomplete, and uncertain.

This is not me. Not my thoughts. Not my body. Not my property

your birth name is on the label, it must be?

Please, stop.

if I did, you would no longer exist.

I often see myself in the same exact situation,

Someone speaks to me, and my mind just starts RACING.

I want it to end already.

I start to predict the possibilities, attempting to cut them off and answer them early. Finish off their sentence, I can complete it quicker than they can.

Anything just to make this end already.

There is one exception, though; When she speaks to me I silently wait. Wait for her magical thoughts to be released, wait for the explosions of feelings that flutter from her lips.

I can finally sit down and relax, and just listen.

So let’s begin a new life, doll.

I set my bottle out to sea many years ago, I’m glad that you found it, opened the note, and here we are.

All this desire; Everything falls into place.

Now, what should you do with me?

I am cursed. I am able to give any gift in the world yet receive nothing.

I gave everything away in the past. Now I’m stuck in the middle, sitting on the petals of the dead orchid that you keep watering, just so that I have the illusion of life.

Give me one thing back - my body,

With that I will acquire the freedom I desire.

My thoughts are splashing all around while I lie awake at night, attempting to escape an economy of empty promises.

Suddenly my thoughts disappear!

COLLAPSED ON THE GROUND. Shimmering little purple raindrops.

Never let go, miss! Stay strong! Purge, girl, purge!

When will I be able to exhale? Express?

Expose? Expose myself for the rest of the world to ravish into pieces, pick at, analyze, possibly even collect. Is there nothing there but ambiguity? Is something hidden in the nonsense that flows from my lips?

Sometimes people ask me “What are you thinking about?” The truth is, my mind is constantly racing. Light speed. Up, down, exploring highs and lows, never balanced. I often attempt to release the void that I consider to be my thoughts. I translate my thoughts into words. Words of desire, hope, curiosity, confusion, pure emotions that I never knew existed.

The translations never excel at expressing anything. Am I just borrowing these words? Will they ever make sense? Are they actually connected? Is anything ever connected?

All the articles you’ve heard about, institutions, the little whispers you heard from concerned adults.. they were all true. We really do everything they say, some of it just because they say we do. Manipulation is kind of part of who we are, it’s kind of everything we are, in a sense. Sometimes we say that this is enough, we should fight against the media, and reveal the brighter side of things. Most of us really don’t believe there is a bright side to this, but we do try to convince ourselves that there is. I, along with many others, think that we should possibly calm down, try something new, something real.

We think it over, again and again. We sometimes stop, we sometimes learn from our experiences, evolve. Most of us come back, with a psyche that’s all revved up and ready to explode.

Evaluating consistently the positives and negatives, the conclusion never really adds up. None of the formulations seem to be correct, yet they are still the correct answers. 2 + 2 = 5, mechanism of action is unknown, undesirable thoughts create new disturbances. I sometimes wonder why?

I eventually forget what I’m evaluating and think “Life is good.”